Villains …

Snaaks hoe mens sommer dadelik ‘n afkeer in iemand kry. Soms vat dit langer, maar partykeer is dit oombliklik. Of dit nou op die TV of in die “werklike” lewe is.

Een so ‘n persoon in wie menz amper dadelik ‘n gly gekry het, was Todd Hoffman van Gold Rush.

todd

With a strong belief in God and the American dream, Todd initially led his team to success.Bullshit. Todd is vir my iemand wat bid omdat daar kameras op hom is, maar meestal soos ‘n asshole adder optree. Menz dislike hom met ‘n passie.

En dan op ‘n dag sien menz ‘n link raak wat so lyk:

todd2

En alhoewel hy ‘n decent stem het en menz glad nie hierdie kan match met die man wat menz dink hy is nie, bly hy nog steeds in menz se oë ‘n asshole adder. Luister self:

 

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Oefening …

Sleutelwoorde

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Kyk nê, menz oefen gereeld. Sommer ‘n paar keer ‘n uur.

En as die oefening (soos hier onder) nie help nie, dan doen menz heavy breathing exercises tot menz voel van uitpass van al die (vuil) lug wat menz die stelsel so mee flood. Of menz gaan rook ‘n mentholtjie (apparently word daar gefrons oor drink by jou tafel – menz praat nie hier van koffie nie).

oefening

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Plaasvervanger … (1)

Dear Miss/Missis,

I hope all is well with you, here we are well too. Except for the fires burning in Knysna and the big drought in the Western Cape. I don’t know much American, so I thought I’ll rather do this letter in English, you won’t understand Afrikaans. Mind you, I only do English in self defense, so please read with a kind eye. I don’t know if you are Miss or Missis on account of you having been with so many men before, maybe your surname must change to Marrymore? Ha ha, just kidding. I am writing to you from South Africa (Souf Êffrika). We are part of Africa, but only the most bottom part of it.

I am writing because I have a pro propou suggestion to make to you. You see, my husband is very spoiled. No, he isn’t not spoiled like rotten chicken, he takes a shower almost every week. He is a special man with a lot of special talents. He can cook (if he must), he likes to cook with whine – sometimes he even puts some in the food! He can fix things and lift heavy stuff. He is a bit heavy on crockery, when he throws a tantrum he can be sending stuff flying. I always buy extra cups which I hide in the bathroom cupboard. I would suggest that you learn how to duck though.

So I am suggesting that when I die, you marry my husband and make him happy. You are very pretty and funny and you know all those fancy fighting moves from Charlie’s Angels so you won’t have any problems with him. You can just klap him once or kick him where it matters and he will do whatever you want. But I think that you won’t have any problems with him because you will mos look after him good. That’s why I whatched all your movies, toe make sure that you will be the best fit for the man that I love so very very much.

You will have to make him less sad when I are dead because we have been together for a long long time. You will have toe be a good wife to him, I will be watching you. And if you are not good to him, you will wish that you have never opened this letter. I will come back and you are going to be sorry. Very very sorry.

And you will have to learn to make braaibroodjies – it’s almost like a grilled cheese with tomato and onion with chutney. He likes to braai them with his meat.

Please give him all the love that he wants and then some more. Lots and lots and lots more. Like I do.

Please send your answer as soon as you can so that I can tell him so he will not worry anymore.

Jôrs troelie

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PS: menz plaas hierdie prentjie hier sodat almal kan sien aan wie menz gedink het toe menz hierdie brief gepleeg het:

drew barrymore

Plaasvervanger … ?

Menz het nou so gedink: wanneer menz dan nou sou wegval of die tydelike met die ewige verwissel, moet menz dan tog nou maar probeer om vooraf ‘n reeling of twee te tref sodat daar goed na menzseMan gekyk sal word. Met die wat menz nou nie meer daar is om die bederfies te doen nie, sien? Nou het menz al laaaankal ‘n oog begin gooi oor moontlike opvolgers vir die posisie, maar menz dink dat menz effens hoër sal moet mik as tussen die banale middelklas-dames wat tog al te gereed sit om ‘n arme wewenaar te bespring sodra sy eggenote deur die vuur is. Menz vermoed daar is ‘n paar wat nie sal huiwer om die nog-warm-as uit die pad te blaas of te Hoover om by menzseMan uit te kom nie.

Menz het oplaas iemand ontdek wat in hierdie rol sal pas.

Fok. Sy’s mooi, sy’s slim en sy’s snaaks. Sy’s sexy en dreamy en …. Vrou.

So het menz dan besluit om vir haar ‘n uitnodiging te stuur. Vanselfsprekend in Engels (sy sal Afrikaans en Grotman moet aanleer vir die rol) synde dat sy oor die groot waters bly, maar overgesetsynde en desnieteenstaande dink menz dat sy goed by menzseMan sal pas. Hou in gedagte dat menz net Engels pleeg uit selfverdediging …

Menz sal die brief plaas sodra menz klaar daar deur geworstel het.

Die begin lyk so:

Deer xx xxx,

I hope all is well wif you, here we is well toe. Eksept for the fires birning in Knysna and the big drôt in the Westirn Cape. I houp this letter faainds you in taaim.

Poerdez

*PS: Menz het google translate probeer om die Afrikaans in Engels te kry, maar al resultate wat daar uit kom is ‘n koeksisterresep op die maat van die Blue Danube

Does size matter?

Sleutelwoorde

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Jaarliks maak verskeie maatskappye miljoene rande en dollars en euros in die bemarking van maermaakprodukte. Die algemene wêreldsiening van vet mense is dat hulle siek of lui of pateties is. Mense kyk vas teen die vet en sien nie die persoon raak nie.

True? Very much so. Size doesn’t matter, as long as you’re not fat.

Hier is bietjie van ‘n ander blik op groot wees, met mense met baie meer moed as wat menzself het.

 

Dit is afterall die wêreld wat vir ons vertel hoe ons moet lyk (of nie lyk nie). En moerse baie geld maak uit die van ons wat nie so lyk nie.

Menz het ‘n past life regression session gehad waarin menz: 1. Manlik was en 2. Seningrigmaer.

Dus was menz al maer en dit was ok. Nou is menz nie en dis ook ok.

Die meeste van ons het die video op Youtube of Facebook gesien van die “oversize” meisie wat dans asof sy vreeslik baie fun het. Hier is haar storie:

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