Dear Miss/Missis,

I hope all is well with you, here we are well too. Except for the fires burning in Knysna and the big drought in the Western Cape. I don’t know much American, so I thought I’ll rather do this letter in English, you won’t understand Afrikaans. Mind you, I only do English in self defense, so please read with a kind eye. I don’t know if you are Miss or Missis on account of you having been with so many men before, maybe your surname must change to Marrymore? Ha ha, just kidding. I am writing to you from South Africa (Souf Êffrika). We are part of Africa, but only the most bottom part of it.

I am writing because I have a pro propou suggestion to make to you. You see, my husband is very spoiled. No, he isn’t not spoiled like rotten chicken, he takes a shower almost every week. He is a special man with a lot of special talents. He can cook (if he must), he likes to cook with whine – sometimes he even puts some in the food! He can fix things and lift heavy stuff. He is a bit heavy on crockery, when he throws a tantrum he can be sending stuff flying. I always buy extra cups which I hide in the bathroom cupboard. I would suggest that you learn how to duck though.

So I am suggesting that when I die, you marry my husband and make him happy. You are very pretty and funny and you know all those fancy fighting moves from Charlie’s Angels so you won’t have any problems with him. You can just klap him once or kick him where it matters and he will do whatever you want. But I think that you won’t have any problems with him because you will mos look after him good. That’s why I whatched all your movies, toe make sure that you will be the best fit for the man that I love so very very much.

You will have to make him less sad when I are dead because we have been together for a long long time. You will have toe be a good wife to him, I will be watching you. And if you are not good to him, you will wish that you have never opened this letter. I will come back and you are going to be sorry. Very very sorry.

And you will have to learn to make braaibroodjies – it’s almost like a grilled cheese with tomato and onion with chutney. He likes to braai them with his meat.

Please give him all the love that he wants and then some more. Lots and lots and lots more. Like I do.

Please send your answer as soon as you can so that I can tell him so he will not worry anymore.

Jôrs troelie


PS: menz plaas hierdie prentjie hier sodat almal kan sien aan wie menz gedink het toe menz hierdie brief gepleeg het:

drew barrymore